


Please.

by eternalshiva



Series: Dragon Age Inquisition: Cullen x Fernweh Trevelyan [8]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 06:18:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3109223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternalshiva/pseuds/eternalshiva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inquisitor.</p><p>It was the first time her title coming out of his mouth sounded like two bare blades grinding against the sharpening stone, and she didn't like it. It sounded full of ache.</p><p>Her mouth felt as though it was made of glass – sharp shards cutting the words before they could even form.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please.

**Author's Note:**

> sogoldensolo asks: Cullen breaking up with Inquisitor because she makes him take the lyrium. I don’t like angst, but that’s been rattling around in my head for a while.

“By your leave, Inquisitor.”

He’s bowing slightly before her, one hand resting on the hilt of his sword while the other holds the documents she just handed to him.

 _Inquisitor_.

It was the first time her title coming out of his mouth sounded like two bare blades grinding against the sharpening stone, and she didn't like it. It sounded full of ache.

Her mouth felt as though it was made of glass – sharp shards cutting the words before they could even form. She’s nibbling her lower lip in thought, trying not to frown.

“Granted,” she says, her voice cracks in the strangest way. Cullen looks up, their eyes meet for the first time in a long while and neither says anything. She folds her arms across her belly, one hand pressing against her mouth as she clears her throat gently. Her emotions were getting the best of her and she didn't want him to see.

It’s only a few seconds, but it feels longer, the awkwardness only thickens between them with every silent moment. She puts her hand down and smiles at him, the best she can but Cullen frowns, looks down at her hands before nodding and turning on his heels, leaving her alone in her office.

She sighed, harshly once she’s sure she heard the click of her door shut.

The tension between them was tangible and it was all her fault, she knew that, but at the time she thought she had been making the right decision. The success of the Inquisition was all that had mattered, there could be no weaknesses.

She’d been wrong. Terribly so, but pride kept her from undoing all of it and she was sure it was too late to be forgiven for the hurt she’d done. She’d broken his trust, and worst, she’d ignored his wishes and beliefs and pushed him back to take the Lyrium.

How long had it been since that night? “Thirty-three days, five hours and forty-three seconds,” she murmured under her breath, “but who’s counting?” Over a month since she’d seen his secretive smiles, the way his eyes lighted up when she came to speak with him.

Over a month since they last kissed, held hands. Since she last felt the warmth of his body against hers in the night. The hurt was more of a distraction than anything else and it wasn’t ebbing away. It was getting worst every time she saw him, every time they spoke their small pointless conversations, with every document they passed between each other, with every meeting in the war room, with every mission she gave and received.

Every single breath she had around him was becoming hard to take.

She walked out onto her balcony, her gaze on the horizon to the left of the hold, his tower was just out of her sight and she was somewhat thankful she couldn’t see his lights flickering in the distance. She rubbed at her chest, trying to smooth the familiar ache that was forming there again.

She leaned forward, palms flat against the rail and rested against its security. She closed her eyes and took in a breath to cleanse her thoughts. The cool crisp air of the mountain usually did wonders for her but not today. Her throat tightened and her eyes burned with tears she hadn’t allowed to flow ever since she’d let him walk out of her life.

No more laughter from his lips, no more gazes that set her core on fire. No more whispers or arms around her to let her rest from her work. No more talks or secrets to speak of.

 _Nothing_.

He was cold, distant and only looked at her when it was required of him or the situation. It didn’t interfere with his duty – he was remarkable, flawless in his decision.

She deserved this side of him and accepted it as her punishment. She had to admire him, he did not hold it against her from what she could tell, nor did he think less of her – he still praised her when he thought she wasn’t around.

Was it for show, though? _Can’t have the advisers speaking ill of their leader – what would that say_? She shook her head. No, he wasn’t like that. He was honest, determined. Loyal. Far better than she would ever be.

Their relationship was simply different, back to what it was before she felt love in her heart for him. He did not treat her any different than any other woman on the field or in the hold and that’s what hurt the most, she thought. She wasn’t special to him, anymore.

She felt the tears slip down her cheeks and she let them. She didn’t want control for this brief moment alone and wrapped her arms around herself, cursing her stupidity, cursing her devotion at the time. Things had changed, her outlook on what was needed for the Inquisition was different.

She _missed_ him.

The heartache was constant but she was getting better at accepting it, but, tonight, it hurt all the way down to her fingertips and she couldn’t stop the pain that wrapped itself around her heart.

She cried, the cold air froze the tears on her cheeks, she gripped her arms trying to warm herself against the wind but she was shivering regardless of her efforts. She didn’t care, she wanted to be miserable.

“You know,” the voice came from behind her – the rich tone surprising her. She wouldn’t be able to forget that voice for the rest of her life, she was sure. She turned towards the sound and felt the warmth of Cullen’s cloak wrap around her shoulders. He left his hands there, keeping her turned away from him. “I didn’t take the Lyrium.”

The softness of his voice troubled her, she wasn’t expecting that. “Y-you didn’t?” she hiccuped between words, her breath wheezing horrendously. She tried to clear her throat but she didn’t want to dispel whatever had convince Cullen to return to her loft.

“No.”

She could feel his gaze, fresh tears slipped away from her but she couldn’t bring herself to wipe them away. She was tired of keeping up appearances and she was never good at that in front of him. If it was just for a few minutes, she wanted things the way they were before. She _needed_ it.

“Why not?” She sniffled un-lady like, pulling the cloak tighter around her, his scent was comforting and so was his lingering warmth. He didn’t say anything, his hands slipped from her shoulders and down her arms, rubbing them to warm her.

“I was angry with you,” he admitted after a few moments. “Disappointed, even.” He sighed, tugging at the cloak to turn her towards him. She obeyed, but she couldn’t look at him. She focused her gaze on the center of his chest, frowning in concentration.

“How long were you there?” she sniffled, trying to clear her throat again of the emotion that had overtaken her.

“Not long,” she felt him shrug, “I was outside your door for a while, trying to figure out if I wanted to come in here and ask why you looked so…”

She understood what he meant, she was terrible at hiding her feelings from him even when she went out of her way to make sure she kept her expression neutral. He had her figured out. He gently pushed her chin up, grasping it with his thumb and index. She still wouldn’t meet his gaze, still desperate to keep a little dignity.

“Please,” he whispered at her. She heard the break in his voice and looked at him finally – she saw the hurt in his eyes and she bit her lower lip, it was quivering enough for her to notice and to catch his attention. He brushed his thumb against it, gently.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled out between a sob and a breath. They were both broken by her selfish request. She was filled with regret and sorrow at what she had asked of him. She hadn’t _understood_ the magnitude of her request and how it had belittled everything he stood for, she had been _ignorant_.

“ _Please_ forgive me,” she whispered, slipping herself even further into the cloak. He pulled her into his arms, tucking her head under his chin and sighed, looking out into the twilight rising above Skyhold and they remained quiet for a while. She was still bundled inside the warmth of his armor, arms tightly wrapped around herself, unwilling to touch him.

She didn’t deserve his love or his affection.

“I… I couldn’t take it.” He started, squeezing her a little. “I _tried_ , Maker, it was calling me, but…”

“I’m glad,” she interrupted him, relief flooded her – he hadn’t… he hadn’t… she let go of the cloak and slipped her arms around his waist, “I’m _so_ glad.” She didn’t see his lips pull into a small smile, he was relieved at her answer.

“I didn’t want to distract you further with this problem, so I…” he looked down at her, she had buried her face into his chest and was squeezing him hard. “I decided to stay away, and it turned out it was an even bigger mistake.”

She chuckled in agreement, he used his chin to nudge at her, getting her to look-up. Her eyes were puffed from her tears, her cheeks were red from the cold and her nose… Well, he’d have to get his armor cleaned later. “I knew… I mean,” he struggled to find the words for a moment, she watched him carefully. “I saw how it affected you, too.” He pressed his forehead against hers, closing his eyes. “I was a _coward_.”

She blinked in surprise, wondering what exactly he meant by calling himself a coward. He wasn’t the one that failed here, she was.

“Do you… think you could ever forgive me?” she asks him again, her fingers grasping at the leather of his armour. She’s squeezing them tightly, scared of what he might say, bracing herself.

He doesn’t say _anything_ , he pulls back slightly to stare at her, and she can see his jaw working as he thinks on her request. Her heart squeezes painfully, she’s asking for _too much_. She closes her eyes, trying to keep the emotion at bay.

She’s lost him for sure.

He kisses her forehead, surprising her. His lips are pressed softly against her skin and he holds her as close as he can and she does the same. They’re both hurting.

“I miss you,” he whispers – she nods. “I miss you.” He kisses her again, this time the bridge of her nose and she feels his tears against her skin when he kisses her lips.

“I forgave you once I understood why you asked this of me,” he murmurs, but the sadness is still tangible. Her face scrunched up, her regret overwhelming her again and the tears gathered at her eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” she shakes her head a little, and Cullen only kissed her again.

“I know,” he tucked her under his chin again, rocking them slightly from side to side. Things would be hard between them, but, at least… at least they could try again and start anew.


End file.
